So, here it is. My second Christmas without my beloved son is here. My 27th Christmas since my father died at the young age of 54. I cannot believe that it is December 24, 2013. I am starting to feel myself go down. I can feel the energy draining from me. I can feel the darkness creeping upon me. I can feel myself shutting down and wanting to be alone. I’m not sure what I will do. I made plans with friends, but that can change. I may want to stay home in front of a warm fire with my puppies all day, in my pajamas. And, I’m asking myself, is there anything really wrong with that? I know what others expect of me and what they think I “should do.” Oh, I really hate to hear any sentence that says “you should” or “you need”, etc. Who are they to tell me what I need or should do? I’m not a danger to myself, so if I need some time alone, why shouldn’t I take it? Why is it considered selfish and inconsiderate if I need my time to grieve, to think, to reflect, to remember? Sure, there are other family members who miss my son. But, I am his MOM. He is my only child. Why, I ask, should I pretend to be okay? Why, I ask, should I have to hide my feelings so that others will feel better?
Do any of you feel this way? No matter if your loss is recent or several years or more, do you feel the sadness creep in, like the fog slowly rolls in? Do you wake up surprised that the crushing pain of your loss is once again as real as if it were yesterday? Does it hit you like a tidal wave? Or is it more like a steady rain that eventually causes the flood waters to rise?
It really hurts. I’m sure it will change over the years and be different. But, the fact remains, my child is in heaven and I am here. Alone. No one and nothing can replace my son. Nothing will ever change the way I feel about him, how much I love him, and how much I miss him. Dear Lord, please let Donald know how much I love him.