I have been noticing an ache, a sorrow, a sadness, that is so deep inside that it is a huge part of me. I carry it with me at all times. It hurts so much but it is not the searing unspeakable pain that came before. It is just a part of my soul now. Ii don’t know how to describe it. I never stop hurting, but I’m able to carry on somehow. It is what I imagine it would be like to live with an amputation. The limb is gone. I can see that it is no longer there. I miss it. I still feel it. I feel pain where there is nothing. It’s real yet no one can see it. It’s a phantom. It’s a devil. It’s a rock in my shoe, a rough tag on my shirt, a blister on my toe, sunburn on my shoulders. It’s all of those, yet it’s more. It’s something that can’t be fixed. It can’t be removed like a rock or torn out like a scratchy tag. It won’t heal like a blister. It won’t peel or turn tan like a sunburn. It has burrowed so deep inside my heart and soul that i can’t shake it loose. I’m not sure I want to. I’m not trying to suffer but if I lost this ache, it would be as if I lost my son forever. I know the ache will change with time. It will ebb and flow with the seasons. But not to ache at all … I cannot imagine. I cannot see that happening. I still ache for my father who has been gone 27 years. I was never as close to my father as I was to my son. Also, a parent is supposed to go first. Not when you are just 26 years old and they are only 54, but it’s the way things are meant to be. A mother is not meant to outlive her child. At any age. This pain is pervasive. It’s making me sick. At least, I think it is. It may just be that I am weakened by my grief, therefore, I catch everything and then, I can’t get well.
One thought on “An Ache Deep in my Soul”
While the circumstances of our loss and the relationship we had with our child were unique, I understand and feel your words. Amy was 27 and I was in my late 50s last summer when Amy died suddenly for no apparent reason. I am so sorry for your loss and sadly relate to a lot of what I have read this morning, which were only a few posts. Sending you a hug.